Values are not goals
A man in his forties tells his therapist he wants to be a better father. Asked what that would look like, he lists goals: get home by six, take the kids to Dunorlan Park on Saturdays, stop checking his phone at dinner. Those are good goals. But a month later he has hit all three and still feels like he’s failing, because on Saturday in the park his mind was on Monday’s board meeting the whole time.
This is the distinction Kelly Wilson, one of the co-founders of acceptance and commitment therapy, built much of his career on. A goal is something you can tick off. A value is a direction you keep travelling in, like heading west: you never arrive, but you always know whether your next step points the right way. Being a present, warm father is a value. Getting home by six is one goal that might serve it.
Wilson made a further point that is easy to miss. The things we care about most are also where we hurt most. He described an intimacy between values and vulnerabilities, which is why the man in the park feels such pain about being distracted. The pain is not a sign that something is wrong with him. It is a sign of how much this matters.
That changes how progress is measured in ACT. Success is not only fewer anxious days. It is more of your days spent in line with what you care about, even when anxiety comes along for the ride. For a lot of people in demanding jobs around Tunbridge Wells and Sevenoaks, that reframe is a relief: you don’t have to feel calm first to start living the way you want.
In sessions, values work is practical. We look at where your time actually goes, where it drifts from what matters, and what small step this week would point you back in the right direction. Read more about ACT, or get in touch.